Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Fate Lions - Natural Champion / Hold Me 7” EP




I think the reason Fate Lions put out a 7-inch instead of a full album is because they only have one song. I'm pretty sure the b-side is just the a-side sped up. With how commercial this sounds, that's not a bad idea. Just make one hit and keep feeding it to the masses. It's weird to think that some of the shitty bands you hear on Clear Channel stations started off as shitty local bands, determined to sell out and go big. Hopefully they'll get signed by a major label soon so that Jason can go ahead and fatally OD in some hotel room while on tour with Foo Fighters.

Achtöne! - s/t








I was in the waiting room at the dentist last week and I was forced to watch a half-hour of CSI on mute, while a toddler loudly smashed random toys against each other. Now I won't say that listening to the Achtöne! record was by far the most annoying waste of 30 minutes in my life, but I think these two instances made me produce identical sets of brainwaves. Just because you own instruments does not mean that you should start a band. Likewise, because you release an EP does not mean that anyone will care.

I know I don't.

Tony Ferraro - Assemble the Bitch Wolves b/w Diaspora








The latest effort from Tony Ferraro is two songs that sound like they didn't make the final cut for that Last Joke record. “Assemble the Bitch Wolves” doesn't go anywhere even remotely interesting, unless you count the toy piano solo in the middle (which I don't). Lyrically, it reminds me of high school poetry, full of banality and tired imagery. I'm picturing him at the talent show, a handful of scraps from his notebook, just reading his prose while his friends, whose parents bought them instruments for Christmas, fumble through a hackneyed set. “Diaspora,” on the other hand, is as upbeat and rockin' as you can get for an original tune from a Counting Crows cover band. How old is this guy, anyway? Let's wrap this up with a quick track-by-track breakdown:

“Assemble the Bitch Wolves”: Boring
“Diaspora”: Pathetic

Monday, December 5, 2011

Old Snack - everything is happening so fast








Why did it take a year to finish a 20-minute record? I've spent longer than that in the bathroom, and I usually produce something of better quality. Too many “musicians” think that they can start a punk band these days and it's getting really old. Old Snack has opted for the Green Day Method: Get three guys with minimal talent, obsess over The Clash, write a bunch of songs that sound the same, put out a record and wait for girls to blow you. Honestly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Anyone want to start a punk band? DM me on Twitter.

Meaner Demeanor - Tape








The best thing about this album is that it's short. The worst thing about this album is that there's still ten minutes of it. This music makes me lose faith in humanity. If you are in Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself. If you are a fan of Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself and all of your closest friends.

hormones - to the 9s








Okay—this album just screams mediocrity. There's something so familiar about every track. Each song sounds like I've heard it before, but it just wasn't good enough for me to bother remembering it. The energy, volume and style of the record jumps all over the place, so that when I actually made it to the last cut, “Migraine,” that's exactly what I had.

Final Club - Blank Entertainment








This would have been my favorite record in high school. It's loud, obnoxious, pretentious music made by 20-somethings that think that they are all grown up. It would have driven my parents crazy. It's different than mainstream radio music, but listenable enough to get your friends to like it. I would have owned everything that they ever put out and gone to every show, even if it meant sneaking out of the house or breaking curfew. These guys should really talk to Hot Topic about stocking their CDs.

The Blurries - Paper Cuts








This reminds me of my old band. We were obsessed with Heatmiser and Brian Wilson, too. We just did a better job of hiding it.