Glass Caverns - s/t

I once spent an entire week in my room listening to nothing but Phil Collins. Then I made this record.

Brack Cantrell has a great voice, (yes, I can say nice things) so I don't know why he's buried it underneath the music or run it through effects. I understand that being in Sundress must have been incredibly fucking boring. You'd expect the one person in the band with some form of talent to have a decent solo project. Maybe the rest of them have rubbed off on him.

And, yes, I know that sentence brings up a disturbing mental picture, but hey, guys get bored on tour. Things happen. I'm not judging, but I will offer a reward to anyone with photos of this. I need content.

Bobgoblin - Love Lost For Blood Lust: Part I

I can't decide what's worse: the music, the lyrics or the fact that Bobgoblin take themselves so seriously; so we'll use the patented fudfw point system to determine why we hate them so much.

The Music

• pop-punk (-10)
• “whoas” (+3)
• keyboard sounds borrowed from The Rentals (+1)
• occasionally borrowed voice of Anthony Kiedis (-5)
• complete lack of balls (-5)

The Lyrics

• the entirety of Feel No Pain (-5)
• “Stomp and Go! Prescribe and Conquer! Through the Skies, through Veins, through Water!” (+2)
• use of the words “twas” and o'er” (-2)
• using a eulogy as lyrics (-4)
• robotic voice-over at the end of the record (-2)
• a 16-year-old's vocabulary (-4)

Self-Importance

• needing a setting and back story for a 6-track EP (-5)
• thinking that you're from the future (+2)
• the descriptions at the beginning of each song to let you know what the fuck they're singing about and why (-15)
• the fact that they thought they had enough to say that they put out an album after a 14-year hiatus (-10)
• the fact that it's part 1 of 2 (-500)

Well, there you have it folks. Clearly the worst thing about this record is that it was made by Bobgoblin, a band that should have died in some sort of pyrotechnics accident a long time ago.

Bravo Zulu - all our days...

This record sounds phoned in, as if the band didn't put any effort into it. But I'm sure it's hard work to create original songs entirely ripped off from the Casio keyboard presets. Seriously, check out the opening sequence. It was clearly inspired by the dance scene from The Breakfast Club. That's ok. I don't expect much these days. The album was produced by one of the guys from Old Snack, so the fact that all of the songs don't sound exactly the fucking same was a huge shock.

Mystery Skulls - EP

This is what Prince sounds like when you lock him in an arcade with a steady diet of crystal meth and acid.

Seryn - Seryn and Friends Christmas

I'm going to be honest with you—I never listened to this whole record. I couldn't find a way to download it for free, and I couldn't justify the $8 price tag just to hear this “non-Christian” band sing about Christ. Seriously, if I were Jesus, I'd be offended. That's like saying “Happy birthday, Jesus! Thanks for dying for our sins! Check out this [shitty] indie-pop we made you! Our friends in An Absence of Color told us you would like it.” Couldn't these guys find another way to make a quick buck off of an already commercial-laden religious holiday? Just go steal from the collection plate at your local church. More people go in December anyway and it would keep me from having to hear your versions of Christmas songs when all I wanted was to get a cup of coffee and sit in heavenly peace.