Glass Caverns - s/t

I once spent an entire week in my room listening to nothing but Phil Collins. Then I made this record.

Brack Cantrell has a great voice, (yes, I can say nice things) so I don't know why he's buried it underneath the music or run it through effects. I understand that being in Sundress must have been incredibly fucking boring. You'd expect the one person in the band with some form of talent to have a decent solo project. Maybe the rest of them have rubbed off on him.

And, yes, I know that sentence brings up a disturbing mental picture, but hey, guys get bored on tour. Things happen. I'm not judging, but I will offer a reward to anyone with photos of this. I need content.

Bobgoblin - Love Lost For Blood Lust: Part I

I can't decide what's worse: the music, the lyrics or the fact that Bobgoblin take themselves so seriously; so we'll use the patented fudfw point system to determine why we hate them so much.

The Music

• pop-punk (-10)
• “whoas” (+3)
• keyboard sounds borrowed from The Rentals (+1)
• occasionally borrowed voice of Anthony Kiedis (-5)
• complete lack of balls (-5)

The Lyrics

• the entirety of Feel No Pain (-5)
• “Stomp and Go! Prescribe and Conquer! Through the Skies, through Veins, through Water!” (+2)
• use of the words “twas” and o'er” (-2)
• using a eulogy as lyrics (-4)
• robotic voice-over at the end of the record (-2)
• a 16-year-old's vocabulary (-4)

Self-Importance

• needing a setting and back story for a 6-track EP (-5)
• thinking that you're from the future (+2)
• the descriptions at the beginning of each song to let you know what the fuck they're singing about and why (-15)
• the fact that they thought they had enough to say that they put out an album after a 14-year hiatus (-10)
• the fact that it's part 1 of 2 (-500)

Well, there you have it folks. Clearly the worst thing about this record is that it was made by Bobgoblin, a band that should have died in some sort of pyrotechnics accident a long time ago.

Bravo Zulu - all our days...

This record sounds phoned in, as if the band didn't put any effort into it. But I'm sure it's hard work to create original songs entirely ripped off from the Casio keyboard presets. Seriously, check out the opening sequence. It was clearly inspired by the dance scene from The Breakfast Club. That's ok. I don't expect much these days. The album was produced by one of the guys from Old Snack, so the fact that all of the songs don't sound exactly the fucking same was a huge shock.

Mystery Skulls - EP

This is what Prince sounds like when you lock him in an arcade with a steady diet of crystal meth and acid.

Seryn - Seryn and Friends Christmas

I'm going to be honest with you—I never listened to this whole record. I couldn't find a way to download it for free, and I couldn't justify the $8 price tag just to hear this “non-Christian” band sing about Christ. Seriously, if I were Jesus, I'd be offended. That's like saying “Happy birthday, Jesus! Thanks for dying for our sins! Check out this [shitty] indie-pop we made you! Our friends in An Absence of Color told us you would like it.” Couldn't these guys find another way to make a quick buck off of an already commercial-laden religious holiday? Just go steal from the collection plate at your local church. More people go in December anyway and it would keep me from having to hear your versions of Christmas songs when all I wanted was to get a cup of coffee and sit in heavenly peace.

No, We Can't Be Friends

Fate Lions - Natural Champion / Hold Me 7” EP

I think the reason Fate Lions put out a 7-inch instead of a full album is because they only have one song. I'm pretty sure the b-side is just the a-side sped up. With how commercial this sounds, that's not a bad idea. Just make one hit and keep feeding it to the masses. It's weird to think that some of the shitty bands you hear on Clear Channel stations started off as shitty local bands, determined to sell out and go big. Hopefully they'll get signed by a major label soon so that Jason can go ahead and fatally OD in some hotel room while on tour with Foo Fighters.

Achtöne! - s/t

I was in the waiting room at the dentist last week and I was forced to watch a half-hour of CSI on mute, while a toddler loudly smashed random toys against each other. Now I won't say that listening to the Achtöne! record was by far the most annoying waste of 30 minutes in my life, but I think these two instances made me produce identical sets of brainwaves. Just because you own instruments does not mean that you should start a band. Likewise, because you release an EP does not mean that anyone will care.

I know I don't.

Tony Ferraro - Assemble the Bitch Wolves b/w Diaspora

The latest effort from Tony Ferraro is two songs that sound like they didn't make the final cut for that Last Joke record. “Assemble the Bitch Wolves” doesn't go anywhere even remotely interesting, unless you count the toy piano solo in the middle (which I don't). Lyrically, it reminds me of high school poetry, full of banality and tired imagery. I'm picturing him at the talent show, a handful of scraps from his notebook, just reading his prose while his friends, whose parents bought them instruments for Christmas, fumble through a hackneyed set. “Diaspora,” on the other hand, is as upbeat and rockin' as you can get for an original tune from a Counting Crows cover band. How old is this guy, anyway? Let's wrap this up with a quick track-by-track breakdown:

“Assemble the Bitch Wolves”: Boring

“Diaspora”: Pathetic

Old Snack - everything is happening so fast

Why did it take a year to finish a 20-minute record? I've spent longer than that in the bathroom, and I usually produce something of better quality. Too many “musicians” think that they can start a punk band these days and it's getting really old. Old Snack has opted for the Green Day Method: Get three guys with minimal talent, obsess over The Clash, write a bunch of songs that sound the same, put out a record and wait for girls to blow you. Honestly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Anyone want to start a punk band? DM me on Twitter.

Meaner Demeanor - Tape

The best thing about this album is that it's short. The worst thing about this album is that there's still ten minutes of it. This music makes me lose faith in humanity. If you are in Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself. If you are a fan of Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself and all of your closest friends.

hormones - to the 9s

Okay—this album just screams mediocrity. There's something so familiar about every track. Each song sounds like I've heard it before, but it just wasn't good enough for me to bother remembering it. The energy, volume and style of the record jumps all over the place, so that when I actually made it to the last cut, “Migraine,” that's exactly what I had.

Final Club - Blank Entertainment

This would have been my favorite record in high school. It's loud, obnoxious, pretentious music made by 20-somethings that think that they are all grown up. It would have driven my parents crazy. It's different than mainstream radio music, but listenable enough to get your friends to like it. I would have owned everything that they ever put out and gone to every show, even if it meant sneaking out of the house or breaking curfew. These guys should really talk to Hot Topic about stocking their CDs.

The Blurries - Paper Cuts

This reminds me of my old band. We were obsessed with Heatmiser and Brian Wilson, too. We just did a better job of hiding it.

New Science Projects - Xmas Time

Depressing, discordant songs with a Christmas theme. Big surprise. Here's the in-depth track by track review:

“Festoon” - suicide

“Xmas Call” - estranged family

“White Elephant” - murder

“New Years Rockin Eve” - suicide

Maybe this guy should just go ahead and kill himself. Or give me back my $5. Or both.

CHICKENANDROFLS - The Game That Never Was

Didn't we already do a Peopleodian review?

Ryan Thomas Becker & Last Joke - Last Joke Band

Well, it's a covers album of songs we've all heard plenty of times before by whatever incarnation of the Look-At-Me-I'm-Ryan-Thomas-Becker Show happens to be playing. The man has built an empire out of very little material that he just keeps rehashing through different outfits. So it seems to me that this band, and subsequent album, is a nod to the fact that he blew his lyrical wad a long time ago, ran out of things to say and now just gets by on his guitar skills and funny faces. I'm curious to see if anyone catches on to the fact that the joke is on them and they just spent six bucks on the same shit—again.

Bethan - Chapter 1:

It must be nice to be able to get picked up by a local label based on the merits of your awful, short-lived first band. I was thrilled when Novaak gave up. I can only hope that Bethan dies just as quickly. These songs don't feel new or refreshing. The only standout track is “Katie K” and only because it's so fucking annoying it made me get up and turn off the stereo. I know that you “have nothing to say.” That's why I wish you'd just keep your mouth shut.

Peopleodian - It Woke The Moon!

    3 percent drums
+ 12 percent Nintendo
+ 1 percent babesofdenton
+ 84 percent pedals
= Peopleodian

   Too much time
+ an unhealthy obsession with astral bodies 
= It Woke The Moon!

I'm pretty sure the only reason they even added vocals to this band was so that when the CD came out, you wouldn't think it was skipping.  Although the album has some interesting sounds, it mostly drones on and on, never peaking into anything worthwhile.  But really, who wants to hear eight songs about the fucking moon?  And don't try the recipe from “(TV Spot 34).”  It's like this record—bland.

Fox and The Bird - Floating Feather

I didn't know that Lisa Loeb was still making music. This collection of songs sounds like it doesn't wear shoes or bathe regularly. There's not enough cheap beer in the world to make this more interesting. But seriously, there's nothing new or refreshing about this record. It's just upbeat and poppy enough to be annoying, but not enough to be engaging.