No, We Can't Be Friends

Fate Lions - Natural Champion / Hold Me 7” EP

I think the reason Fate Lions put out a 7-inch instead of a full album is because they only have one song. I'm pretty sure the b-side is just the a-side sped up. With how commercial this sounds, that's not a bad idea. Just make one hit and keep feeding it to the masses. It's weird to think that some of the shitty bands you hear on Clear Channel stations started off as shitty local bands, determined to sell out and go big. Hopefully they'll get signed by a major label soon so that Jason can go ahead and fatally OD in some hotel room while on tour with Foo Fighters.

Achtöne! - s/t

I was in the waiting room at the dentist last week and I was forced to watch a half-hour of CSI on mute, while a toddler loudly smashed random toys against each other. Now I won't say that listening to the Achtöne! record was by far the most annoying waste of 30 minutes in my life, but I think these two instances made me produce identical sets of brainwaves. Just because you own instruments does not mean that you should start a band. Likewise, because you release an EP does not mean that anyone will care.

I know I don't.

Tony Ferraro - Assemble the Bitch Wolves b/w Diaspora

The latest effort from Tony Ferraro is two songs that sound like they didn't make the final cut for that Last Joke record. “Assemble the Bitch Wolves” doesn't go anywhere even remotely interesting, unless you count the toy piano solo in the middle (which I don't). Lyrically, it reminds me of high school poetry, full of banality and tired imagery. I'm picturing him at the talent show, a handful of scraps from his notebook, just reading his prose while his friends, whose parents bought them instruments for Christmas, fumble through a hackneyed set. “Diaspora,” on the other hand, is as upbeat and rockin' as you can get for an original tune from a Counting Crows cover band. How old is this guy, anyway? Let's wrap this up with a quick track-by-track breakdown:

“Assemble the Bitch Wolves”: Boring

“Diaspora”: Pathetic

Old Snack - everything is happening so fast

Why did it take a year to finish a 20-minute record? I've spent longer than that in the bathroom, and I usually produce something of better quality. Too many “musicians” think that they can start a punk band these days and it's getting really old. Old Snack has opted for the Green Day Method: Get three guys with minimal talent, obsess over The Clash, write a bunch of songs that sound the same, put out a record and wait for girls to blow you. Honestly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Anyone want to start a punk band? DM me on Twitter.

Meaner Demeanor - Tape

The best thing about this album is that it's short. The worst thing about this album is that there's still ten minutes of it. This music makes me lose faith in humanity. If you are in Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself. If you are a fan of Meaner Demeanor, please kill yourself and all of your closest friends.

hormones - to the 9s

Okay—this album just screams mediocrity. There's something so familiar about every track. Each song sounds like I've heard it before, but it just wasn't good enough for me to bother remembering it. The energy, volume and style of the record jumps all over the place, so that when I actually made it to the last cut, “Migraine,” that's exactly what I had.

Final Club - Blank Entertainment

This would have been my favorite record in high school. It's loud, obnoxious, pretentious music made by 20-somethings that think that they are all grown up. It would have driven my parents crazy. It's different than mainstream radio music, but listenable enough to get your friends to like it. I would have owned everything that they ever put out and gone to every show, even if it meant sneaking out of the house or breaking curfew. These guys should really talk to Hot Topic about stocking their CDs.

The Blurries - Paper Cuts

This reminds me of my old band. We were obsessed with Heatmiser and Brian Wilson, too. We just did a better job of hiding it.

New Science Projects - Xmas Time

Depressing, discordant songs with a Christmas theme. Big surprise. Here's the in-depth track by track review:

“Festoon” - suicide

“Xmas Call” - estranged family

“White Elephant” - murder

“New Years Rockin Eve” - suicide

Maybe this guy should just go ahead and kill himself. Or give me back my $5. Or both.

CHICKENANDROFLS - The Game That Never Was

Didn't we already do a Peopleodian review?

Ryan Thomas Becker & Last Joke - Last Joke Band

Well, it's a covers album of songs we've all heard plenty of times before by whatever incarnation of the Look-At-Me-I'm-Ryan-Thomas-Becker Show happens to be playing. The man has built an empire out of very little material that he just keeps rehashing through different outfits. So it seems to me that this band, and subsequent album, is a nod to the fact that he blew his lyrical wad a long time ago, ran out of things to say and now just gets by on his guitar skills and funny faces. I'm curious to see if anyone catches on to the fact that the joke is on them and they just spent six bucks on the same shit—again.

Bethan - Chapter 1:

It must be nice to be able to get picked up by a local label based on the merits of your awful, short-lived first band. I was thrilled when Novaak gave up. I can only hope that Bethan dies just as quickly. These songs don't feel new or refreshing. The only standout track is “Katie K” and only because it's so fucking annoying it made me get up and turn off the stereo. I know that you “have nothing to say.” That's why I wish you'd just keep your mouth shut.

Peopleodian - It Woke The Moon!

    3 percent drums
+ 12 percent Nintendo
+ 1 percent babesofdenton
+ 84 percent pedals
= Peopleodian

   Too much time
+ an unhealthy obsession with astral bodies 
= It Woke The Moon!

I'm pretty sure the only reason they even added vocals to this band was so that when the CD came out, you wouldn't think it was skipping.  Although the album has some interesting sounds, it mostly drones on and on, never peaking into anything worthwhile.  But really, who wants to hear eight songs about the fucking moon?  And don't try the recipe from “(TV Spot 34).”  It's like this record—bland.

Fox and The Bird - Floating Feather

I didn't know that Lisa Loeb was still making music. This collection of songs sounds like it doesn't wear shoes or bathe regularly. There's not enough cheap beer in the world to make this more interesting. But seriously, there's nothing new or refreshing about this record. It's just upbeat and poppy enough to be annoying, but not enough to be engaging.

The Angelus - On A Dark & Barren Land

The latest effort from The Angelus is the definition of apathy. The album opens with “All is Well,” which is just filler; a soundscape to make the album longer than it needs to be. We finally hear Emil Rapstine's vocals in full effect on “Turned to Stone” and I realize why they've been buried under a wall of sound up until this point. With the feel of Depeche Mode meets Gregorian Chants, this album plods along, seemingly never ending. There are a few moments when the energy picks up, but they are overworked and overshadowed by the dullness of everything around them. The record's final track, “A Sudden Burst of Hope,” doesn't live up to it's name and just wanders aimlessly for over eight minutes. This album is recommended if you enjoy The Cure, naps or heroin.

Teenage Cool Kids - Denton After Sunset

It's been done before and it's been done better. Please quit taping your rehearsals and calling them albums. Also, please find your balls and reattach them. It will help.

Sans Soleil - s/t

As far as I can tell, this album should be bundled with and sold as the soundtrack to a Nora Roberts novel. Which novel? It really doesn't matter. They're all the same…just like the songs.

Sealion - Keep The Camera Rolling

Oh, it's the new album from The Strokes! No, wait. It's the lost Tapes 'n Tapes demos! No, wait, it's the sounds of a truly tortured artist, decrying the shambles of the music scene around them. How fucking original. Oh, it's just Sealion, most of the now defunct Hats & Statues trying to distance themselves from their mediocre folk past by doing a complete 180. Get your angst and witticism here, now with 30 percent more surf punk! Or just use this album as a coaster for you PBR.

Star Commander - The World Was Sinking & I Was Hardly Surprised

Until recently, I thought it wasn't cool to like Bright Eyes anymore. Or Desaparecidos. But the guys in Star Commander let me know that not only is it cool, but the best way to make a record is to just rip off anything that Saddle Creek put out in the early 2000s. The songs pretty much blend together until you get halfway through it to “New Jersey”, which is as boring as the name suggests, then it's right back to more of the same. Don't worry, though. The record's final track is a nod to Daniel Johnston, just for a bit of indie cred. Sadly, the tone of the song's opening doesn't last and the album ends the way it began—borrowed and whiny. To offer Star Commander a bit of advice, I only had to look as far as their lyrics: “Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.”

Sarah Jaffe - The Way Sound Leaves A Room

I love a good B-sides and demos EP. It's always fun to hear an up-and-coming artist tackle tunes from your favorite bands. It's just as much fun to hear the raw versions of new songs from the eagerly awaited next album; But to open with a Drake cover seems like a stab for broader commercial appeal, or a blatant display of Sarah Jaffe's awful taste in music. Either way, she immediately lost me for the rest of the album. Follow that with an off-key rendition of a Cold War Kids single, just to show us the diversity she keeps on her ipod (just like you do), and we're off to a pretty bad start. So why not keep going downhill, then? Cue another version of “Clementine”. Oh, you know…that song that you've heard a million times in the car with your parents, on the radio at the grocery store and everywhere else with functioning speakers. If you liked it the first time, then buy this rehashing, because there's nothing we love more than things that we already know! At this point, I'm compelled to stop listening out of pure disgust, but I push forward in search of something greater. I don't find it. “Better Than Nothing” really isn't. It's just filler to kill a bit of time before we get to the title track. “The Way Sound Leaves a Room” is Jaffe at her best: strumming, singing, simple and boring. No new ground broken there. “When You Rest” is definitely a step in a new direction. Not to say that that's a good thing, however. This track falls somewhere between a bad 80s new wave ballad and Radiohead. The single for the EP, “A Sucker For Your Marketing”, is probably just a fan letter put to a drum track: catchy in all the right ways to get some more radio play. The title of the final track, “All That Time”, reminds me that I wasted the last half-hour of my life listening to this and I get sad. Being a simple piece, it ends by leading into the familiar opening guitar of “Clementine”, reminding listeners, once again, why they love Sarah Jaffe so damn much in the first place. Overall, this EP seems like a transition piece. She's alienated some of her younger fan base by becoming the poster child for adult contemporary. So by updating her sound, without really pushing the boundaries of radio friendly music, she manages to bolster her street cred and keep the money from the KXT crowd rolling in. S-M-R-T.